That the one person in this world I should be able to trust beyond a shadow of a doubt, my father, is the one person who makes me feel the worst about myself, that makes me wonder if he ever tells me the truth, that makes me wonder why he feels he has to lie to me about everything, that insists on repeatedly doing the things that he knows hurt me the deepest….I’m breaking and i’m not sure if i’ll be ever to super glue myself back together fully. I’m just so sick of this life, this shit that he puts me through day after day after day, year after year. I can’t be his babysitter, and yet he can’t function without my help, but he makes me feel like everything I do just fucks things up more.
I’ve tried talking to counselors, but that only helps so much. I just want this all to be over. I want to be happy again. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy, where the thought of “is dad okay”, “is dad lying to me again”, “did dad fuck up with his pills again”, “is dad in a car accident because he’s too confused to function again” wasn’t lingering like a taunting and malicious little child at the back of my head. I’m sick of the nightmares. I’m sick of being too emotionally stressed by his shit to do well in school. I’m sick of having days of crippling depression that keep me from going to class or going out and having a life beyond the four walls of my room or whatever hospital room he happens to be in at the time.
I’m done…but I can’t be done. It’s a never-ending cycle that I feel is going to drive me to an extreme I don’t want to happen.